Before we get to the picks, I’ve gotta take care of some biz-nas. The winner of the fabric coaster set is ……..

Congrats Tricia! Email me at changingtheuniverse at gmail dot com with your pick! If I don’t hear from you in 48 hours, I’ll pick another winner!

Those of you who didn’t win, there’s another giveaway happening over at Crowning Victoria! Or, you know, you could buy some And THANK YOU ALL for your awesome support with my new shop! I hope you come back frequently to see what I’ve added

This weekend marks the 84th annual Academy Awards. Which means it’s time for me to place all kinds of judgments on people I don’t know who make their living delivering brain numbing entertainment to my TV machine.

I like watching the Oscars. I usually watch it with my Netflix queue open adding movies as we go when I see one that looks good. I’ve usually never even heard of most of the movies, much less actually seen them, so I like to try and watch all the nominees sometime in the year.

This year I have some strong opinions on the nominees and I have a sneaking suspicion I know who is going to win what, or more importantly, who WON’T being bring home a naked golden man. But before I get into my picks, let’s go over some general trends that I’ve noticed from all winners:

Rule #1:  Is the movie British? Or does it star British people? Or someone with a vaguely foreign accent? It will get at least one Oscar.

Rule #2: Have most people in America seen it? It probably won’t win the Best Picture. Unless it was some kind of ridiculous blockbuster like Titanic or Lord of the Rings. But not Transformers. It’s complicated how that rule works.

Rule #3: Now, this next rule is controversial. The Academy is made up of mostly rich, white dudes. And they desperately don’t want to be seen as racists. Which means The Help will win awards. Lots of ‘em. This also works for female writers and directors. They don’t want to look sexist, either!

So, with those rules in mind, let’s get to the picks (not all of them, just the big ‘uns):

Best Actress – Nominees: Viola Davis (The Help), Glenn Close (Albert Nobbs), Rooney Mara (The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo), Meryl Streep (The Iron Lady), Michelle Williams (My Week with Marilyn)

Michelle Williams gets kicked out right away. Which is way too bad, cause she’s just so damn cute. The rest are tough to pick from. I mean, Viola Davis is highly favored due to Rule #3, but then again so is Meryl Streep due to Rule #1 (she plays Margaret Thatcher … a Brit). Rooney Mara gives a stand out performance as a kick ass bad girl who does good things, and Glenn Close plays a woman disguised as a man! HOW WILL THE ACADEMY EVER CHOOSE JUST ONE?!

For me, it’s a tossup between Viola Davis and Meryl Streep. But if I have to pick one? Rule #3 will win out and Viola Davis will take home the gold.

Best Actor – Nominees: George Clooney (The Descendants), Demián Bichir (A Better Life), Jean Dujardin (The Artist), Gary Oldman (Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy), Brad Pitt (Moneyball)

Right away George and Brad are out. I love you both very, very much and you need to make an Ocean’s 14 (without Bernie Mac, sadly) so I can see you both in a movie together again, but this year, I’m sorry, you just won’t make the cut.

You either, Gary. Why are you here? What is Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy? Can I never type that movie name out again?

This leaves us with a French guy and a Mexican guy. I pick the French guy.

Best Supporting Actor – Nominees: Max von Sydow (Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close), Kenneth Branagh (My Week with Marilyn), Jonah Hill (Moneyball), Nick Nolte (Warrior), Christopher Plummer (Beginners)

Can I refuse to answer this one? Cause all the choices suck.

Fine. Um …….. Max von Sydow. Cause that movie is about 9/11.

Best Supporting Actress – Nominees: Octavia Spencer (The Help), Bérénice Bejo (The Artist), Jessica Chastain (The Help), Melissa McCarthy (Bridesmaids), Janet McTeer (Albert Nobbs)

First of all – WHY IS MELISSA MCCARTHY ON THIS LIST?!?!?! Yes, she was the best part of a HORRIBLE movie (though I may be the only woman in America to think this) but Oscar worthy? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

::deep breath::

Octavia Spencer will win. Her acting was superb. Plus, Rule #3.

Best Director – Nominees: Martin Scorsese (Hugo), Woody Allen (Midnight in Paris), Michel Hazanavicius (The Artist), Terrence Malick (The Tree of Life), Alexander Payne (The Descendants)

Despite Martin Scorsese’s Golden Globe win, I fear he will not take this one home. I think this is going to Michel Hazanavicius due to Rule #1 (Both for him being French and for the movie being a French movie even though it’s a silent movie). Also, I hope to never have to type that last name out again.

Best Song – Nominees: “Man or Muppet” from The Muppets, ”Real in Rio” from Rio 

A couple things to note: RIO? ARE YOU SERIOUS? I’ve watched that movie on two different occasions that was was only because I’ve stayed in a hotel with HBO twice in the past month and that movie was on. You can actually HEAR Jesse Eisenberg mailing in his performance as Blue, the blue macaw from Minnesota. THIS MOVIE IS AWFUL.

Second, if they DON’T allow the song from The Muppets to be played during the awards ceremony, I will never watch again. Seriously, this was hands down the best movie I’ve seen all year, and this song had me ROLLING!! It needs to win. It MUST win!

Best Animated Movie -

I’m not even listing the nominees for this category. They are all awful. It also includes Kung Fu Panda 2. TWO!! A SEQUEL!! It also includes Puss in Boots – A SPIN OFF!! No thank you. I think this part of the show will be a great time for a potty break.

Best Make-up – Nominees: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 2, Albert Nobbs, The Iron Lady 

There’s only one reason I’m including this category; it’s to say that Harry Potter will NOT win. See Rule #2. Which goes against Rule #1 since it’s entirely British, but in this case, Rule #2 wins out.

Albert Nobbs will win. Anyone who can turn Glenn Close into a man deserves an award.

Best Original Screenplay – Nominees: The Artist, Bridesmaids, Margin Call, Midnight in Paris, A Separation

It won’t be Bridesmaids. See Rule #2. The Artist will win. See Rule #1. This does contradict with Rule #3, but Rules 1 & 2 are far too powerful.

Best Visual Effects - Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – Part 2, Hugo, Real Steel, Transformers: Dark of the Moon

All the movies in this category are popular movies, except Hugo. Which means? Hugo will win. Also, if Transformers wins, I will lose all faith in humanity.

And the big one -
Best Picture – (Nominees: The Artist, The Descendants, Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close, The Help, Hugo, Midnight in Paris, Moneyball, The Tree of Life, War Horse)

Why does it seem that every year more and more movies are nominated? Is it REALLY that hard to come up with just FIVE?

It’s kind of hard for me to pick which movie will win this. If Rule #3 is in effect, The Help will take home the Oscar. But it’s up against The Artist, which falls under Rule #1. Ok, TECHNICALLY, it’s a silent film, but it’s French, so there.

Why is Moneyball even on this list? I mean, I saw it. I think it’s a PHENOMINAL movie and the cinematography was outstanding. But I fear it falls under Rule #2. Plus, it’s a sports movie. Name ONE sports movie that has won an Oscar that WASN’T about boxing. Sure there were some nominees, but winners? Not so much. (Don’t get me started on Chariots of Fire. Just don’t.)

War movies like to win. Which gives War Horse a decent chance. Plus with all the money I’m sure went into it and all the special effects I bet it will get a lot of votes from the Academy. But a win? Hmmm…

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close – This has a 9/11 backstory. If you don’t support a movie with a 9/11 backstory you might as well be communist.

The Descendants looks good, actually. I want to add this to my queue. It looks all emotional and raw and touching. But an Oscar winner? Naw. Sorry George. Maybe next time.

Has anyone heard of The Tree of Life? Anyone? Bueller? Looking at a brief description on Wikipedia, it looks far too complicated for a Best Picture win, but it’ll give the other nominees in Cinematography a run for their money.

It seems that Hollywood just can’t get enough of Woody Allen. I don’t like him. I’m not a fan of his movies. Thus, I don’t want Midnight in Paris to win. Plus the story seems just too ….. “popcorn flick” to be Oscar worthy. Then again, I haven’t actually seen it.

This leaves me with The Artist, The Help, and Hugo. As I’ve said before, The Help will get Oscars in other categories, but best picture? I fear not. I mean, I actually saw that movie. I wasn’t a fan. The movie itself was  good (acting, editing, sound, etc), but I wasn’t a fan of the story. (I did a review of it on my Movie Review blog, back when I had time to read and watch movies). While the movie was good, I didn’t see anything that was stand out OSCAR to me. While the story was rich and the set was great, the overall full movie experience just wasn’t there.

Hugo is a family film. A 3D family film. But a 3D family film written by Martin Scorsese. Will that be enough to push it over the top? It looks like it has awesome special effects and Marty’s already nabbed a Golden Globe for best direction for this movie. But I don’t think it has enough to be #1.

This means that the winner for Best Picture will be The Artist. Because the Academy will find it ironic that a French movie about making movies which is a silent movie will be the best movie.

Because the Academy is full of assholes like that.

::drops mic:: ::walks away::

::runs back and picks up mic again:

Follow me on Twitter Sunday night to follow my stream of consciousness during the awards ceremony. Or, perhaps, UNFOLLOW me Sunday night and tune back in on Monday so I don’t take over your twitter page.

::drops mic again:: ::trips over the cord while walking away::